Thirty Three

Out of curiosity I took a look at a numerological meaning behind the number thirty three, and it was certainly an encouraging moment, considering that I’m about to turn that age in a few days.

“The 33 embodies both the intuitive, visionary qualities of the 11 and the 22’s ability to manifest these visions in the material world.”

Keep going…

“This blend of a soft heart, inspiring outlook, and the ability to understand and communicate concepts of growth and healing are exactly what makes the number 33 the Master Teacher.”

Now, I don’t really care that much if this interpretation applies to my context or not, because I know that I can manifest any reality I choose. And the reality connected with the number thirty three seems definitely like something I’d like to aim to manifest in the coming years.

A little confession:

I’ve been having a hard time recently.

I guess it’s the proximity of another birthday that makes me consider existential questions such as what do I have to show for myself and what is my contribution to the world. It makes me think of the Funeral Exercise: what would be the speeches on your funeral like?.

I guess there is an egoistic tendency here to “be special”, “make an impact” and simply “matter”, but I find that it’s also a useful lens to look at ones life, and brutally strip it off from all the mundane bullshit that doesn’t really matter.

Anyway.

Truth is, I’ve had quite a difficult time while taking a long hard honest look at myself. I like to think of myself as a “good person”, whatever that means, and I do have a deep underlying sense that everything is unfolding perfectly, including this trying moment of meticulous self-assessment.

In the same time I notice things that feel hard to admit.

I feel angry.

I feel impatient.

I find it easy to start something, but hard to maintain it.

I’m also noticing a big tension around the subject of money. Fuck, that’s actually a big one. Somehow, I find an expense of €300 to visit my parents and sister after two and half years a significant hole in my personal budget and I need to carefully juggle my finances to make it happen. WTF.

I live cheaply. I don’t need much. And yet, somehow I can’t seem to unlock access to the infinite financial abundance that the world has to offer, despite trying for years. It’s frustrating and it adds up to the feeling of anger. Perhaps the worst part is that I know that it’s all within myself and I can indeed shift it at any point. I just never managed to do it.

Now, I’m not complaining by any means, and I do feel immensely grateful for what I have.

In fact, I’ve been gifted a beautiful lifestyle in an idyllic place, surrounded by people who I get to call my Island Family. That definitely counts for A LOT and it’s more than many people could ever wish for. It seems worth much more than a few zeros of net worth. And yet, a part of me can’t relax.

So I lay down on the floor of my 3x3 wooden cabin in a beautiful forest with an ocean view, the most amazing house I’ve ever lived in, and sink down into myself.

Why am I feeling agitated? What is it inside of me that is not in alignment? Why am I feeling so disconnected in the last few weeks?

My cat-mate Kiki sleeps on my chest. I can feel her weight as I inhale and exhale. The binaural beats relax me. I let go of the tension and accept myself with all the perceived imperfections. I notice them in a different light, too.

My vices are inseparably interwoven with my virtues and vice versa.

The anger is an imbalance of inextinguishable life force, allowing me to not be afraid to make difficult choices and stick with them.

The impatience derives from wanting to manifest dreams.

The difficulty to maintain connects with seeing potential in everything, which fuels my tendency to naturally help people with whatever struggle they go through.

What a convoluted mess of self.

There’s more, but I won’t elaborate further.

The bottom line is that as my birthday approaches it’s time to make some tough decisions. I can’t do everything. I don’t want to do everything. I don’t always know what I want, or to be more precise - I intuitively feel what is my path, but sometimes I disconnect from myself by staying way too much in my head.

I notice that my mind is precisely where the money messes me up.

The second I consider questions like “how does this idea bring money” or “how do I support myself financially”, I close, disconnect and get stuck again. My mind starts spinning, and combined with the tendency to overthink, it happily goes forever, bringing me overwhelm, with enough glimpse of possibility to keep luring me deeper into this trap.

Argh.

How to leave it behind?

I wish I’d know.

The thing is, I do know, I just don’t have access to it. Not yet.

Or…?

As I dance underneath the starlit sky above the deck of my cabin, I shake off the doubts and bring in new energy.

A new cycle of my life is afoot.

It’s up to me to make it whatever I want it to be.

And I do.