Vaclav Havel and Conflicting Advice

I’m sitting in a park by the table dedicated to Vaclav Havel, waiting for something to happen.

To be honest, a very specific thing:

A beautiful girl to appear out of thin air that would have a beautiful soul, and energy and space to co-create a magical moment including physical intimacy with me.

I feel fear as I disclose this information but these are the facts: I feel a deep need for my body to be loved and feel wanted. It’s been a while.

But here it gets interesting:

The life, a curious mistress, teaches me that I both can and can’t have what I want, which while being a profound guidance is also some fucking conflicting advice.

To elaborate:

In one moment I connect to the infinite cosmic reality, the “Big We”, as my friend calls it, and manifest any reality I choose, provided I’m specific enough to verbalize it and put it out there into the Universe, ideally out loud while facing one of the raw elements in the time when specific celestial bodies align. But to be fair, any space can become sacred if only treated with appropriate reverence.

The flow is a blessed state to be in for sure, and yet, it tends to end abruptly without notice, leaving me confused, disconnected, and lonely. Still waiting for the magical girl to appear, caress my back without warning, look deeply at me, and deliberately kiss my neck slowly to see what happens.

I can feel the shivers. But, whether I like it or not, it is not the reality, at least not in this very moment. Feel free to prove me wrong though.

As I sit with myself, unfolding knots tangled over the light shining from within, I feel, yet again, the conflicting advice of the Universe and it’s teachers.

I could remain still, witnessing my feelings arise and pass away in the infinite flow of impermanence, both blissful and difficult to accept, especially at times when the conscious choice of letting go is particularly hard. I know you’ve been there.

I could also act upon this very moment, and instead of waiting for the magic to happen, create the magic myself, with a not-so-litte help of the Universe, provided it’s a day when Good Fortune smiles at my cute attempts of seducing a powerful woman.

It’s difficult, because as I sit still with this process happening inside of me, and become conscious of it as I write it down, and now, although it’s a very scary thought, sharing it out loud with you, I feel that I’m growing inside, slowly, awkwardly, and with a fair degree of metaphysical pain, but ultimately becoming a person that is more aware and therefore loving.

This process of growth feels important to go through, so that’s probably why I am still here, right in the middle of this mess of myself, dying along with my unfulfilled desires, and reviving along with another moment given to me to experience.

What a gift to be able to live this very conflict. To Be, still and motionless, witnessing what is and Being with it… or not.

This power of deliberately changing my mindset gives me shivers, too.

I’m still here, making space for the magical girl to touch my soul and body and help me heal, but I’m not waiting.

I’m actively Being.

And just like that, as I let go of my expectations and fully accept this moment, the magic happens.

The girl doesn’t appear, but my soul is touched by something strong and I can feel the knots loosening allowing me to breathe deeper and smile wholeheartedly.

It’s a precious moment, and I’m grateful to Vaclav Havel for providing me with this table in a park so I could live through it and share the tale with you.